4:49pm
I just read sadgrl.online's newest blog post, and it got me thinking about my own struggles with myself. I'm also a people-pleaser, and everything that she wrote about people-pleasers hits home. I struggle to say no, I over-extend myself, and I do so many things out of sense of duty when I'd rather be doing anything else. I also have a lot of self esteem issues, though those have lessened with age and the support of my partner, but they're still there sometimes. One of my biggest self-image issues is my weight, and my fear of being "fat." I know that's a controversial thing to say with the debate on fatphobia and what it means, etc, but for me it's a personal fear. I don't care what anyone else does with their own life, because it isn't my business what someone else does.
I also am an anxiously minded person, and my current living situation is semi-stressful for personal reasons, which doesn't help me. I recently went on a weeklong trip with my partner and my dad to visit some of my family, and I noticed during that week that I was so much more at ease than I am at home. It's physically noticeable for me how much more stress I feel at home than anywhere else. I also work part-time, though that will be changing very soon. I'm a bit of a homebody, ironically, mainly because my anxious nature talks me out of going to do anything other than work/sitting at home. My mother is a very anxious person and she often worries about my safety when doing something as simple as going to the grocery store, and because I live with her, it's hard for me to justify going out because I know how much it stresses her out, which in turn stresses me out. It's an unhealthy situation, but unfortunately I'm stuck with it for at least a year longer, if not more.
In terms of people pleasing, it affects me quite a lot. It doesn't help that I chose to go into a career that is probably one of the worst choices for people pleasers. It's a bad way of thinking, but I decided that since I'm already used to being a doormat, I may as well just keep on with it and go into a job where that's the standard. I definitely don't know how to stand up for myself, and I wouldn't thrive in a career where I would be expected to have a backbone, as pathetic as that sounds. I constantly worry about being a bother, and a career where I'd have to assert myself wouldn't work for me. I'm too far gone as a people pleaser to do anything but, I think.
Sometimes I do wish I could just go work on a farm or be a seamstress. A job where I don't have to worry about ladders of hierarchy, where it's easier for me to just exist in my own space and not worry about bowing to the needs of others because I don't have the guts to stand up for myself. I want to be a stay at home mom in the future, and I think that really will suit me best. For once, then, I'd be caring for people and bending over backwards *by true choice*, and I think that's what I need. I like to serve people, genuinely, but I don't like to work myself to the bone for fear of being hated, and that's what people pleasing is.
Thankfully my partner is very supportive of me and he helps me to assert myself, but it's just not something that naturally comes to me. If someone asks me to bend over backwards for them, most of the time I'll do it even if it's the last thing I want to do. I just don't know how to say no to people.
Sometimes I wonder if that part of me came from my childhood. I'm an only child, and I was always praised for being so nice and quiet and mature. I'm not saying that to blame anyone, but I do wonder if somewhere my little mind took that to mean that "nice, quiet, mature" are the only things that I *should* be, and now here we are. Like sadgrl.online, I often feel like my identity is fluid, like it's tied to what other's expect of me. I often code switch to an extreme degree, shapeshifting between groups to be what people expect of me. It's so hard for me to be fully genuine with anyone, and I don't know why. Sure, I know what I like and what I enjoy, but I rarely fully express that to anyone. I'd like to think that I'd take a stand if I had to, but I can't promise that to myself. I'm more likely to bend to someone else's will so that they'll like me. I wish there was some great answer to it all, but it's just that simple. I just want to be liked.
Even as a kid, I was always an outsider. I went to a prep school filled with kids whose grandparents had attended the same school, meanwhile I was the odd one out as a newcomer. The rest of the kids were well-to-do, and I wasn't. It never bothered me, but even then, I was separate from the rest. I don't think I'm ostracized, nor am I ignored, but I do know that I'm quiet and docile and more often than not people do overlook me. Even my own boss often forgets that I'm working a shift. I'll clock in, speak to him, and then an hour or so later we'll run into one another and he'll say something like "Oh, I didn't realize you were working today!" as if we hadn't spoken and had a full conversation about my duties for the day. I'm quiet and physically small and easily forgettable more often than not.
I think I like it best when I'm back in the area that my family originally comes from, because I have deep roots there and nearly everyone knows my family name. We aren't rich or popular, but 300 years of family ties mean that my family's name is recognizable, just like how I recognize nearly every name I hear in the area. It's just nice to be noticed, for once, even if for no other reason than my ancestor's accomplishments. I spend a lot of time reading books and fantasizing about imaginary worlds, because in a fictional world maybe I wouldn't struggle like this. Maybe I would just have a backbone and I could be myself without worrying about how everyone else perceives me at all times. It's tiring, always worrying about how I might appear.
I think the song "Die Your Daughter" by Susannah Joffee describes this all well, at least to me. Or maybe it's because it reminds me of the relationship I have with my mother. I don't know.
2/5/25
6:13pm
I got bloodwork done today. My heart rate went up to 137 today, which is insanely high for me. I do have a high heart rate as a baseline, but 137 is a heart rate that I usually only reach when exercising, not walking to the back of the doctor's office. I felt dizzy and woozy this morning, but I haven't felt particularly drained today. I just feel generally unwell, though. Even the nurse at the doctor's office didn't know how to classify my symptoms, and just wrote "Patient is feeling unwell" on my chart. I should be hearing back about the bloodwork in 2 or 3 days. Currently the theories are a liver problem, anemia, or a freak viral situation. Who knows.....
I'm glad that I took the time to go to the doctor, though. At least I know that it's (probably) not in my head. Speaking of my head, I currently have a headache, but I'm hoping that it will clear up soon. I might drink a Liquid IV soon to try to get a little more hydrated. Once I start feeling back to normal I plan to try to start exercising again. I weigh a tad bit more than I would like to, and also I just want to exercise for the sake of my health.
I still have a cough today, but it's been clearing up. I really don't think I have a virus, unless I do and it somehow hasn't given me a fever or any other symptoms besides dizziness, extreme fatigue, and a slight cough.
In other news, I started playing the Sims 2 again yesterday. I haven't touched the re-release since it's been so buggy, so I've just been playing the Ultimate Collection version instead. I modded it with a ton of 2004-2009 cc from MTS.com yesterday. I'm trying to avoid new CC solely because I want to show some love to the original CC that debuted when the game was still new.
2/4/25
6:13pm
Well, to make a long story short, my health has taken a nose dive and who knows why. I've been completely exhausted for over a week, and truthfully I haven't felt good since the 10th of last month when I came down with some bug. A got over it, felt better for a few days, and then started feeling bad again. Currently I'm sick again and I feel completely exhausted, like I have no energy at all. It isn't that I'm tired or drowsy, but I just absolutely have no energy even when I first wake up. I feel weak and dizzy occasionally, and I don't feel like myself. I went to the doctor and had a COVID and flu test done, and both came back negative. If I can manage to make myself go to town tomorrow, I plan to try to get some bloodwork done. I truly think I may be anemic. I've been taking vitamins with iron and it seems like maybe it's helped slightly, but I don't know if it's a placebo affect or not. Either way, it hasn't helped much because I still don't have the energy to do much more than sit around. I try to get up and do stuff, but I'm just so tired all the time.
My mom, unsurprisingly, assumed that I was pregnant. We literally had an entire conversation about how I couldn't be, and yet she thinks I am. I don't understand why she never trusts me. I don't get it.
I got dizzy while I was driving today, so I don't know if I'll be able to go to town tomorrow or not. I really do need someone else to give me a ride, but I hate to ask anyone to do that for me. I also have a cold currently, so I'd hate to spread it around. Even now I feel woozy and drained, and that's after taking an iron vitamin and taking a nap. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's kind of dumb to admit, but I almost feel like maybe I'm imagining it all. Like maybe it's anxiety or cabin fever or something. But I feel so awful that I can't imagine how it's in my head. I'm almost worried to get bloodwork, because what if it comes back fine and then I still feel awful, but I have no excuse for how I feel and then I just look crazy. I have had a history with anxiety, but I know that this isn't it. It's completely out of the ordinary for me to feel so tired. Never in my life have I felt like this. I'm exhausted from the second I wake up to the second I go to bed, and no amount of sleep or a change in routine has helped it. Occasionally I'll get a burst of energy, but even then I don't feel normal. It's odd. There's something going on.
1/1/25
12:02am
Happy New Year!!
12/16/24
Moving on and up...
I graduated college on the 12th! It almost doesn't feel like I really did much to earn my diploma, because all I did was go to my classes and turn in my work, but of course that's exactly how you earn any diploma, so I don't know why I feel that way. Anyways, it's over and I flip-floppd on whether I would even walk at graduation, but I did end up doing it. The college lost my graduation application, so I had to apply for late graduation, but they did allow me to walk. I'm the first person in my family to have earned a 4 year degree. My mother only has an associate's degree, and my father never did go to college. So it's probably a good thing that I did walk at graduation.
My childhood pen-pal from Montana flew down to see me. She stayed for almost a whole week, and we had a lot of fun. We went on a carriage tour, sightseeing drives, and a beach trip all in 4 and a half days. I'm tired, but it was worth it. I'm already trying to plan a trip to fly out to see her sometime in the near future.
It's almost Christmas, and I still have so much to do. I need to finish working on some presents, and I also need to wrap a few things. I filled out Christmas cards today, so I'll have to put them in the mailbox tomorrow. I also need to buy more stamps tomorrow, and I need to work on finishing up the handmade presents that I've been making.
Once the holidays are over, I'll call the school district and see about getting a teaching job. I'm hoping to teach 2nd grade, but we'll see how it works out. I worked with 2nd, 3rd, and 4th graders during my internships, and I liked teaching 2nd grade the best. I actually bought a few miscellaneous office supplies from a thrift store today, and I plan to use those for my classroom. I made a gift registry full of supplies that I'd love to have for my class, but I haven't published it yet. I probably ought to do that soon.
It feels weird to be done with school.
6/18/24
Blood and Cheese ft Personal Instinct
So, I watched the first episode of season 2 of The House of The Dragon the other day, and honestly it was heartbreaking. Spoilers ahead, if you haven't watched the show yet. You have been warned!
Helaena loses her son Jaehaerys in this episode. Daemon orders the death of her brother Aemond, and the
killers ask him what they should do if they can't find Aemond. In response, Daemon only smirks. Minutes later,
Jaehaerys is dead, Jaehaera is crying, and Helaena is traumitized.
This episode did such a good job at setting up the sweet family dynamic between Helaena, Aegon, and their children before
flipping everything on it's head with Blood and Cheese. The scene was done so differently from how it was in the book,
but it was still done well. The noises you hear after Jaehaerys is killed were horrific, and all I could think of while
hearing them was the sweet little boy we got to know earlier in the episode.
As dumb as it sounds, this episode made me feel so maternal. I've always had a strong maternal instinct and a strong want
for children, and seeing young children always spikes that in me. Seeing Helaena cradling Jaehaera made me want to reach out and
hug that poor child as well.
6/16/24
My First Ever Party (Seriously) and a Weaving Class
First diary entry on this blog! Woooo!
Anyways, I went to a party yesterday and it kind of sucked.
I'm the kind of person who never gets invited to anything, so
I'm grateful that I was invited to something, but still, it kind of
sucked because I only knew the host. My partner came with me and we just
kept to ourselves the whole time. I had agreed to give a little craft demonstration
and the first group of girls that I taught eventually got the hang of it, but
I felt like they maybe weren't all that interested in learning. The whole thing
just felt so awkward, and I'm not sure if they really enjoyed it or not. But, that might
just be my own prejudices slipping through. The girls felt like the "popular girls" who
were always cooler oe better than me. I've always occupied such a weird place in the
social heirarchy, because I've never been popular or stylish or however you'd like to
describe it, but I always do try to be nice and to make myself easier to like so that
I'll fit in with a specific group. Essentially, I usually do a whole bunch of code switching
in small ways so that I'm more palatable to whatever group I'm with. I know I have weird hobbies
and I'm generally a "strange" person because I like music that isn't too popular and I sew and I knit
and I don't usually dive too deep into pop culture, and I have a tendency to ramble on about stuff that
is very niche. All in all, I know that I can be super annoying to someone who wants a regular interaction
that isn't full of random facts or awkward comments on things. To make it worse, once I get into the
rhythm of talking about something that I love, I usually don't shut up because I get so excited to
be able to vocalize all of it that I don't always stop to think "oh wait, this person doesn't
really care and is only listening to be polite."
In summary, I think that that's exactly what the first group of girls was doing. The second batch had two girls that seemed more
interested, especially the last one, and she even put up with me rambling on about historical sewing and the history of fingerloop
braiding and weaving. I even gave her one of my example braids that was pale pink, blue, and white. She said that she felt bad taking it,
but I assured her that I had way more yarn at home and that it wasn't a big deal if she'd like to have it, because she said it was pretty.
She might have just said it to be nice, but I think she really did like it. I wish I would think about my rambling while I'm doing it
instead of having the realization hit me a while after I've finally shut up, but at least I do think of it sometimes, I guess.
In case you're curious, I taught a demonstration on how to braid the fingerloop braid pattern "A Grene Dorge of VI Bowes" from 1475. It's a very pretty braid, and it's hard to learn at first, but usually after 5 or 10 minutes you start to get the muscle memory down and it becomes easier. By the end of a 8 or 9 inch braid, people usually are able to master it.
